


Behind Blue Eyes

by xneverconformx



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-12-03
Updated: 2011-12-03
Packaged: 2017-10-26 20:24:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/287480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xneverconformx/pseuds/xneverconformx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I don't expect you to understand... I just want you to listen"<br/>Vriska's PoV recount of her story, giving her reasons, her motivations and her thoughts on what she's done and what happened to her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Behind Blue Eyes

**Author's Note:**

> AN/ So this is written in first person directed to someone. In my head it was to John, but it can honestly be to whomever you think Vriska would be telling this to, or it can even be written to you as the reader, I kept it vague enough for that. I also highly suggest playing "Behind Blue Eyes" while you read it, it's obviously what inspired the whole thing.

**"No one knows what it's like to be bad man, to be the sad man… Behind blue eyes"**

If you are expecting me to sit here and tell you that all that I've done has had a reason, that it had justification…waiting for me to say that I had some higher purpose, that I want you to pity me, to feel sorry for me. Waiting for me to tell you that you just don't understand, that you need to see it through my eyes to see how much pain I feel… Then you're gravely mistaken. You should look somewhere else if you are trying to find that redeming quality in me, to find some sort of poetic tradgedy in all of this. You won't find it here. I am not sorry for what I've done. I'm not sorry and I wouldn't change any of it if I could go back and do it again. But… I don't expect you to understand that. Why the hell would you? You have reasons for a moral compass. You have a reason to be sorry, guilty, confused even for my actions … I just want you to listen, maybe you'll see what I did.

 **"And no one knows what it's like to be hated, to be faded to telling lonely lies"**

I knew what I would have to do since I was young. "Mother" spared me from it for my early years, but I wasn't an idiot. Her feeding would fall into my hands whether I liked it or not, and I would have to sacrifice my own kind to her appetite. Even without the burden of taking their lives with my own two hands, I still knew…. If I wanted to live, they wouldn't get to. Surrvival of the fittest, I just was given a leg up, I was being shown early. If I wanted to get anywhere, I would have to step on everyone beneath me to get there. Being alone wasn't intentional I don't think… Though it might have been. Why would I allow myself to get close to them, any of them, when they might be the eyes staring into my own as I tossed them to my mother. I made aquintances yes, but there is quite a difference between an aquanticance, another you can use for emotional, physical and matieral uses then a friend. A friend is someone who can twist your emotions, and can control you through guilt and obligation… An aquiantance can be shrugged off and traded for one more useful when their purpose is served. Not that any of them knew that. Why would anyone go out of their way to help you when they know you are just using them? A smile here, a chuckle there… Simple. Easy. Harmless?

So I'd like to think. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone gets their hands dirty. Once the feedings started, it was hard to keep up a charade of "girl next door" when "next door" is a death trap to a hungry arachnid looking for the next troll to literally suck the life from till it hangs helpless and still in her web. I don't watch, of course I don't. What do you take me for.

 **"But my dreams, they are this empty. As my conscious seems to be"**.

I'm not a monster, I have feelings. Believe it or not, I am able to cry. But being able to do something, and allowing yourself to do something are two very different things. I can count on one hand the amount of times I've cried. Crying, opens up a gate in your head where you allow yourself to feel everything you've been pushing back. What is the point of building every fucking wall to protect yourself from the world when you're going to be the one to take the pickaxe to it and tear it down yourself? Even you have to be able to understand that, you aren't that stupid.

It doesn't take a mind reader to know they were scared of me. Not all of them granted, but enough that it gave me power. I could have done nothing else at that point and they would have still trembled if walked past their hives. I would honestly take aimless walks just to realize that I could go miles without seeing another face, but knowing dozens saw mine. Do you know what that's like? Of course you don't. Why would you. But let me tell you, nothing makes you feel stronger then not having to do a god damn thing. Not that it stayed that way of course, who the fuck are you trying to kid?

 **"I have hours only lonely. My love is vengeance, that's never free"**

It was a fucking game. Thats how it started out. A fucking game. I don't know what else there is really to say about what it was. To be honest, the idea that this caused so much of the annoyance and shit that I've had to deal with really baffles me. What else did they expect getting into something called Fatal Live Action Role Playing? Right there in the title the big F word glaring, smacking them in the face. Fatal. Death is always a risk when you play games like this. Yet pathetic, back-boneless shits seem to think it's all just rainbows and Pupa Pan and then throw a fucking shit storm when they get hurt.

Sorry if you think I'm starting to sound a bit bitter here, but really, this is where everything really started to bite me in the ass, so sorry if I seem a little frustrated by others stupidity. So why did I play? If you've been paying attention to this you'd probably feel it's safe to assume there were two reasons. First of all, feeding my lusus was much easier when there were trolls practically putting themselves onto silver platters and delivering themselves to my feet to be served up to my octopedial mother. That was the most useful reason to play. Made my life a lot easier. Believe it or not it's rather tiresome to traipse around trying to find some pathetic soul hiding out and drag them home to feed to mummy dearest. What? You don't think it's tiring? You try doing it daily for years… Right I forgot. Guilty conscious and all that… Well. I am sure you can imagine even the physical strain it would have if you aren't quite willing to open up your mind to the emotional side that it holds. Then again, I am starting to get the feeling that our abilities to suppress the crickets chirping in our ears are vastly different. The other reason why I played this game? Power. I know what I am capable of. There is a certain thrill that comes with being able to show that power, that ability… That sheer domination and superiority you have over others. I joined up with Terezi. She had skill to keep up with me when she needed, and she had an intuition that proved more then useful on more then one campaign. Of course Eridan and I worked together as well, forming a relationship that honestly, I can't get into right now… That will take a part of my mind that I can't quite explain… Maybe next time.

There isn't a way you haven't heard what happened during these games. It's like no one has anything else to talk about then a poor crippled reject of a troll and his rolling freak chair. As I said above, and I cant possibly say enough, if you are going to play a game with the words fatal right in the fucking title, don't loose your shit and call "INJUSTICE" when you get hurt. As if those words should even really mean anything to our kind. All of us are born knowing that we very well might get slaughtered on our next few steps out the hive. And those of us who don't, are only being bred to die on a more distant plane. Some of us feel like we should weed out the herd a little early, spare the universe some trouble. Is that so wrong? No. I didn't fucking think so either.

Now don't get me wrong, I am not trying saying I didn't make the poor shit jump ass over teakettle off the side of the cliff. I did. In fact, it was a little amusing to watch him fall, seeing how top heavy he was. But, I didn't just do it because I was bored. He wanted to run away and give the fuck up. He wouldn't even take the option to roll away from those monsters. He wanted to just give up. On a battlefield, there is no way to give up that doesn't end with your head not on a pole. It's life. Now, I wasn't trying to cripple the fuck, I was trying to kill him. Simple as that. If you think I don't feel bad that he's stuck in a chair. Sure. It has to suck, wheeling everywhere and all that. But I'm not sorry for what I did, or at least what I tried to do. The bullheaded idiot's blood is so low, it might as well be the mud it's coloured as. His sad pathetic life makes me sick to my stomach. If he can't even stand up for himself to someone his own fucking age, how does he ever expect to stand up for himself in a real battle on a far off battlefield? What a waste of ship space if you ask me. I was doing the poor dumbass a favour. When I made him jump the cliff because he couldn't even use the effort or brain power to /ROLL/ from a monster that wasn't even real, I wanted him to die. Right there, and end the miserable life he called his. But no. He had to go and fuck that up too just like he does everything else, and end up in a fucking rolling chair with everyone groveling in pity at his low-blooded, useless feet. The least he could do would be to apologize for the inconvenience he caused everyone, but no. The little shit can't do that either.

This is when shit really got started.

 **"No one knows what it like to feel these feelings, like I do… And I blame you"**

If I am going to be completely serious, I will tell you that while I started this whole cycle of "She said, he said, she crippled, she killed" batshittery, I didn't escelate it to the extent that it ended up being. I helped, I won't deny that, I did more then enough… But if they would have just let shit DROP after I let Tavros drop…None of that shit would have happened. They brought it on themselves! They might as well have just ASKED me to fuck them over, would have saved us all a lot of time and a lot effort. They stopped talking to me after what happened. I honestly think they thought I would be offended by their lack of contact, but really it didn't make that much of a difference in my life. If anything, it got quieter. If dropping useless piles of troll waste off cliffs meant alone time to me and my thoughts, then fuck, get me a wagon and a seaside, I could use the vacation. Of course before I could bust out the folding drink umbrella's .. Aradia had to start fucking shit up. I'll give her one thing, of all the creepy low blood powers to be given, that one gives even me the chills. Ever been haunted by all the souls of the dead trolls you've fucked over? No probably not, because that number is probably zero. Well, not all of us have such low stats ok? Mine are quite high. And let me tell you, that shit is fucked up.

I honestly thought I was going to go crazy, and end it all myself. Honestly, not how I pictured how I was going to go. I had always imagined some sort of death by fiery explosion that I 'd rigged myself to take everyone down with me… But everytime I closed my eyes, there were their faces. Their voices haunted my ears, I couldn't turn around without a lingering soul of some poor fuck waiting for me to drop my guard… I didn't want to be driven to the point of throwing /myself/ off the cliff… So I contacted a stranger. Someone who seemed to be giving out mysterious advice, and he told me killing her was the only way to make the haunting stop.

So I killed her.

Ok, granted it wasn't that simple. Is it ever that simple? Actually, sometimes it really is that simple. They're living, then they aren't and everyone goes on their merry fucking day. Except the dead troll, but honestly the caring stops as soon as mummy dearest sinks her fangs in. But this time, no. It wasn't simple. But, my hands stayed clean in the mess, why do something yourself when you can make it as painful as possible for everyone involved. Lingering scars always make a good story, right? It didn't take much to get the psionic bee keeper to eat his own mind honey. For one of such high psychic power, his tolerance to having his own mind invaded is a peice of shit. It didn't take much convincing for her to go out to greet her yellow blooded boyfriend either. After all the shit we'd been through, you'd think she'd have figured out something was up? No, you're right, that is giving her way to much credit…There must be something with low bloods and trying to constantly get their mack on to keep their pathetic short lives repopulated that just made little Juliet run out of the dingy tree stump she called a hive and into the arms of her deranged Romeo. And when I mean deragnged, I don't just mean in his weird little lisping way, I mean, that boy was so fucked out of his shit on mind honey that I don't he could have been able to tell Aradia from a pile of sopor slime…Then again, that might not just be the mind honey.

Regardless have you ever seen the look on someones face when that someone decides to squewer the one they love through the chest with physicic energy and then watch her die pitifully on the ground while he slowly sobers up and doesn't know how to live with himself? No? Fucking. Priceless.

 **"No one bites back as hard on their anger. None of my pain and woe can show through"**

 ****Not everyone seemed to see it that way. But whoopdie shit right? Yeah no… Until now, I had no problems with Terezi, despite any issues she seemed to have with me. I saw her as a sister in our FLARP endeavours. However, she seemed to take the death of the lowblood rather personally. I can't imagine why. It's not like it was her that I killed. She would go off on some psychobullshit about about friends, or useless kililing or bluh bluh. Honestly I stop listening as soon as she gets into her lawyer "justice" bullshit. She could have bitched me out for hours and I wouldn't have cared if that was all she did. But this time… This is when things went to far.

Don't give me that look. No. I don't think that killing the lowblooded, soul sucking ghost sender was too far. I think it was perfectly called for all things considered. If you don't agree then you can just stop reading here. I really couldn't give a flying fuck what you do. I told you I wanted to just be listened to, not to be told what I should have done or thought. I guess at this point I should explain to you my love, and fascination with a certain object. My cue ball. An inheritance from my ancestor along with her journal. It predicted the future I would use my vision 8 fold to see through the ball and it was never wrong… Never. Dragonbitch contacted the previously mentioned stranger who apparently had some sort of rights to the ball, and told him that I had it. And he took it back.

No, he didn't come marching into my hive and took it from me. Don't be a dumbfuck, that would have been just stupid. No, he took it from me in a way I could never get it back… and took from me what I cherished most. My 8fold vision. He made the fucking ball explode in my hand.

Ever lay in a pool of your own blue blood, your arm detached and useless lying a few feet away from you, and your formally everseeing eye nothing more then a bloody mess down your face. It's humiliating, it's infuriating. I tried and tried again to use those useless "magic" 8 balls in replacement but they were never right. Hundreds I smashed to the my floor with the cold metalic arm that was built for me as a replacement. Both were as useless as the patch on my face. I was ruined. Destroyed.

And someone had to pay for what I'd become.

And that someone was her. There was no one left to hurt who deserved it. Before I go any further in this, I want to take a moment to say this now. You're going to think my reaction to this was cruel, and unnessacary. That I acted out of anger, or spite… All this after you heard me just tell you about killing Aradia in cold blood. Well. This is where you are wrong. What part of what she did, taking my vision, my arm, my way of life.. Everything. Taking it from me, did not deserve for an equal and justice punishment to be delivered to her? Had the fucking yellow blood done that, then I would have said kudos to growing some balls and standing up for himself and getting revenge. Sure, I would have roughed his shit up for daring to fuck with me, but honestly. This was not her fucking place, and she should have stood down. Are you not starting to get this concept yet? Had from the very beggining those two meddling bitches kept their snouts out of this and left it between me and Pupa, none of this would have happened. They still would be all intact and off doing whatever it is they do. They invovled themselves, and brought this onto themselves. Which brings me to the end of this whole stupid cycle of death, destruction and good fucking times. Terezi's lusus was this weird little fucker who was to lazy to get the fuck out of it's shell and raise its god damn troll. No. It hangs out like a lazy little shit, and talks to Terezi through her dreams and lets her do whatever the fuck she wants. Controling Pupa was simple and efficient. The idiot likes to just lounge around with his mind wide open to being intercepted then acts like he's so fucking baffled when shit like this happens. Normally I could go on for hours about how the dirtblood's power was useless as fuck, but for once it was exactly what I needed. Comunicating with and controlling creatures? Perfect! Controlling his mind is like wading into a swamp. It's gross, murky and I honestly try not to look around to much because I don't want to know what I might find. Gross, I am shuddering just fucking writing this. Anyways. Using his mind to control the mind of her Lusus had to be one of the best idea's I've come up with in a while… Especially considering it was one I came up with in the heat of my rage and anger. I didn't even stop the bleeding in my missing limb before jumping to make her miserable for doing this to me. I honestly, wish I could have been there to watch her as she opened her eyes just in time to wake up to the Alternian sun burning her peepers from her head. Been there to see her mouth twisted in agony as the last thing she ever saw was the burning orb of sunlight that stole from her what she'd taken from me. Her vision. And her pride. I bet the burning she felt was more real then any "justice" She'd ever spewed before.

Needless to say, that "aquaintanceship" went out the window… Not that I really cared. She'd served her purpose, and now she was done. Besides. I was about to have a lot more shit on my plate…

 **"But my dreams, they are this empty, as my conscious seems to be. I have hours only lonely, my love is vengance that's never free"**

The game. Honestly, I only wanted to play so badly because so did everyone else. I know that seems to go against what I usually seem to beleive in but, no. Fuck that. Why would I pass up a chance for something like this? I was desperate to be on the red team, of course lord Crabass decided to use this time to inform me of just what a backstabbing cold hearted bitch I was. I honestly think he thought I'd be shocked and appallaed at his accusations and spend a good amount of my time telling him why he was wrong and that I was nothing of the sort and all that fun bull shit.

Yeah no. I ignored him. I know I'm a cold hearted back stabbing bitch. It's part of my charm. I am glad we got that on and off the table in the start, because that could get to be some tedious mind baggage for him to lug around before getting into the open. Regardless I ended up on his team just like I wanted.

 **"I have hours only lonely, my love is vengance that's never free"**

**Author's Note:**

> AN/ So there you have it. I hope you enjoyed it. Part 2 should be along soon


End file.
